Oblivion of My Heart
by mysteriousQuack
Summary: This is all just someone's idea of a sick joke; that's all. None of this is really happening...is it? I mean, this is impossible...it's simply unacceptable. How could this, of all things, happen to me? To my heart?
1. Chapter 1

Cold. Everything is so, so cold. My mind is numb from it. My fingers and hands lost their usual warmth hours ago. My eyes have finally run dry of tears. My body is void of all feeling whatsoever. I stare into space. Cold, damp space. Nothing is here anymore except for my empty body and frozen mind. Everything left when Dimitri claimed love for Lissa. And she returned it. I feel dead inside. Not really, I don't feel at all.

I lay here, on my bed. I just cannot grasp this. Lissa and Dimitri? Huh! Never. This isn't real. None of this is real. I'm still unconscious from Strigoi Dimitri hurting me. I'm really dreaming right now. Yes, that's what it is. Just a dream. After all, being seduced by a Strigoi would make me so happy right now. Better than my current situation, this is hopefully only a dream.

But it's not. It is so, so real. Dimitri loves Lissa. Not me. Never me. I feel sick. A terrible pain erupts from my core. So painful. I scream, but no sound comes out. I sob tearless sobs. But all of it is for nothing. The pain withers within me and my body contracts from the hurt.

It's right about then that I start thinking "what if". What if I had never gone to Russia to find out about charming objects, which lead to finding out about healing things, which lead to finding Victor's brother, which lead to the possibility of healing Strigoi, which lead to healing my Dimitri, which lead to…..

I tell myself not to finish those words, but my havocked mind cannot help but finish the memory.

_Fighting, screaming, fire everywhere. Too much, it's much too much. I am so overwhelmed. I see the warehouse where Dimitri is hovering over me, ready to kill. But he doesn't know that I'm ready to strike. But both he and I aren't aware of Lissa there, with her charmed stake, poised and ready. _

_I scream out to her to stop and leave. She needs to be safe, protected. But before the sound waves of my voice can reach her, her fragile, small hands have shoved the silver stake deep into Dimitri's chest. But it's not far enough._

_I leap up to push her out of the way, for Dimitri is furious and thrashing with a look of shock on his face. Christian beats me to Lissa and tenderly but fiercely wraps his capable arms around Lissa's slender waist. He pulls her to the ground, protectively on top of her body._

_Then Dimitri reaches down and grasps Christian's head in his wide hands and gives one small flick. And that's it. Christian is dead. _

_Dimitri pushes the once distinguished, remarkable, talented, and eminent Moroi aside and reaches for Lissa, who is propped up on her elbows, lying down, a terrible stunned look of shock and disbelief on her face. I stand there, frozen, my face equally taken aback. The whole world has shrunk into this small scene of a lifeless Christian, a frozen me, a menacing Strigoi, and a stunned Lissa._

_Everything is suddenly in slow motion; I have no time to react after what I just saw._

_Lissa leapt up and shoved the stake that was still in Dimitri's chest farther in than I thought possible._

Everything after that is a blur to me; only fragments remembered.

_Bright light, Dimitri on the ground, Lissa holding him, me going towards him with arms outstretched, Dimitri in Lissa's arms, Dimitri looking with deep, beautiful, non-Strigoi eyes into Lissa's eyes, not mine, his hand cupping her face, her hand running through his luscious hair, their lips so close, him whispering, her whispering._

"_You saved me, Lissa," staggered breath from Dimitri._

"_I did it," heavy, fast breath from Lissa._

"_I love you" Dimitri stares deep into Lissa's eyes. Adoring, longing, needing._

"_I love you, too"_

_Then I collapse._

_I have no idea how I got back to my room._

A scream escapes me. It's blood-curdling. Full of loss and pain and need and want and hurt. It is so loud. But I don't care. I have been betrayed. By Lissa. By Dimitri. By Christian. The last time I heard Lissa through the bond, she wasn't even caring about Christian's death. She was thinking about Dimitri. About loving him and wanting to be by him. Nothing about hurting me. So I shut out the bond from her.

Oh, God! I cry out yet again. I can feel my pain crawling throughout me like a serpent. It slithers and wraps around me, coursing through my skin. It curls around my neck and ties me into an emotionless ball. The pain evades my brain, ransacking it and crushing my skull. And I let it. At least when there is pain, there are no memories. I concentrate on it, allow it to consume me. Every inch of me.

I cringe. Then I stop. I stop everything. Just can't, I just can't do this. Mope around like this. I shove the pain back. I push it so hard, it snaps back like I'm getting whipped.

I slowly get up and walk to my bathroom. I can do this. I can keep my mind blank. I can do it. I will be a statue for the rest of my life, never get involved again. You can do it, Rose. You're strong.

I'm not that strong.

My small pathetic shield recoils; the weight of what happened is just too much. Everything floods back in all at once and I am so overwhelmed. My mind simply cannot process the whole thing all together.

I collapse onto the floor.

**A/N: I kind of have plans to continue this, but I want to know if people want me to continue before I do. :) This is my first fanfic, so any type of constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: There is some language in this particular chapter; just a warning. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy**

**Oh, and I love reviews so leave me a good one! =]**

I shudder. My eyes flicker open into a world of darkness. Foggy black surrounds my curled up body. I try to get up from the ground. My head is swarming with dreaded emotions. I think about Dimitri. I think about Lissa. I fall back to the ground and wrap my arms around my head like I used to do when I was little and it thundered. It's a sad attempt to guard myself from the truth; from reality.

It's then I know I'm dreaming when the black fog starts to shift and a scene appears.

Oh, god, not Adrian. Please, no. I mentally slap my face to wake myself up. It doesn't work.

The scene he chooses is one that doesn't seem to be picked with care; more slopped together than anything. It kind of seems like the first thing that came to his mind is what he created. I'm lying on a parking lot and there's a building behind me. I turn and look and see that it's a bar. This is probably the last place he was at.

I sit up and lean my back against the brick wall of the bar. My eyes are closed. I wait for Adrian to come, dreading it.

"Rose!" I hear his voice call. It's strained, like he's worried.

My eyes snap open in response to my name. But I regret the action as soon as I see Adrian rushing towards me. He's stunning as ever. Oh, shut up, Rose!

Two long strides later and Adrian is right in front of me and I can see that his gorgeous face is scrunched up in worry. There're wrinkles in his forehead and dark circles under his eyes.

He falls beside me and his strong arms flash out and embrace me in a hug. Then his hands frantically fly up to my face and he inspects me. I can't take it.

"Adrian, Stop," I say with malice in my voice.

"Oh, gosh, Rose," he says, completely ignoring my words, "Rose, Rose, Rose."

He wraps his arms around me again and holds me, starts to rock back and forth.

I get angry. So, so angry. "Get off of me!" I scream at him. I push him away with all of my strength.

He falls backwards. "What the hell?"

I scurry up and walk briskly away from him. He quickly follows me. "I told you to leave me alone!" I yell at him. He just can't catch a hint!

My anger must have caught on to him because suddenly his face is furious. "What the hell, Rose! Where are you? Everyone is worried about you! I'm worried about you! Please, Rose, tell me where you are! I'm begging you," he reaches out his arm and whirls me around.

I start to cry again. I have no idea where the tears are coming from; I thought I cried myself out.

"Really?" my voice is hoarse and dripping with sarcasm. "Everyone is worried about me? You don't say. Well, who does 'everyone' include, then? Oh, it can't be Lissa," I sneer at the sound of her name, "because she's too busy drooling over my Dimitri and it certainly can't be Dimitri because he's too busy crooning over my best friend! So tell me, Adrian, who, of all people, could possibly be concerned about me?" I didn't even notice, but my whole body is trembling and I have a finger jabbed into Adrian's chest.

Adrian clasps his hand around my small one and the trembling of my body makes his arm shake a miniscule amount. He whispers, "Well, I care about you, Rose. I'm concerned. Please," he brings his face very close to mine, "tell me where you are."

I look up at him through my eyelashes and that's when I really break down. I moan and all of my muscles relax as I fall. My head falls back and I cry out yet again. Adrian catches me and calls my name. "Rose!" My weight makes him and me fall to the ground in a tangle of limbs. I still sob heavy, dreadful sobs. Adrian cradles me in his arms.

"You don't understand, Adrian," I say, "You have no idea what I'm going through. I feel dead inside. My everything doesn't even remember what we had and he completely blew me off for someone who is practically my sister, someone I thought I could trust. And here's the funny thing: her _boyfriend _died. Christian was basically her soul mate and he died _right in front of her eyes _and she could essentially give less of a shit! And why doesn't she give a shit? Oh, I know! Because she is abruptly infatuated with none other than Dimitri! Do you even _realize_ how _hard_ that is? I cannot accept it. You don't even know. You just don't know what it feels like to have your heart sent into oblivion." I am so out of breath from my rant.

Adrian's face is absent of emotion. Despite this, he manages to caress my face with the back of his hand and wipe away my tears. I know that the action is merely one of comfort, but I can't help but wonder if all he's thinking about is our so called relationship. I suddenly feel like he's not at all concerned about _me_ me, as in the emotional me, rather the me that is badass and hardly known to break down.

Anger wells up inside of me. It's ferocious and full of malice. I push him away so hard and suddenly and with such force that he falls backwards a good four feet. I get up and start running. Even though this is just a dream and Adrian can do whatever the heck he wants with it, I keep running. It feels really good to be able to just run.

Except when I see Adrian right there. He must have created himself next to me or something. I don't know how this whole dream thing works. I come to an abrupt stop.

"Rose, what the hell?" his arms are flying every which way as he tries to express his anger. His suit, I notice, is wrinkled from lack of care. There is such hurt in Adrian's voice, I can't stand it anymore.

"Send me back," I say simply and quietly.

"Rose, please—"he starts.

"For God's sake, Adrian, send me back! I just want to sleep and wake up in my room and never again have to trust another living being while I'm alive," I say, my voice raising an octave at the end of my statement. There is such rage in my head, I can feel it course through my brain in waves. I could practically be shooting flames out of my eyes for all I knew.

I got the reaction I wanted when Adrian simply looked at me and said, "Fine,"

Then I was in a lovely world of black where I could sleep throughout the day.

I wake up abruptly to an insistent pounding on my door. My head throbs. Apparently I fell on the floor and fell asleep…? Classy.

I try and ignore the annoying banging on the door and attempt to go back to sleep because I am too lazy and depressed to venture on over to my bed.

The ignoring is successful for soon it stops.

But it isn't long after I make that grand assumption that there is someone at my side shaking me vigorously.

I groan so loud I bet I'd scare any bear. No joke.

Whoever is by my side rolls me over and is talking to me but I'm still sort of out of it because I can't really comprehend the language. It seems complex. So I simply mumble a groggy "Leave me alone," and hope for the best. Meaning that I hope whoever it is leaves

Then there's an earthquake! Oh, wait, whoever is in my room is still shaking me. Damn.

I am beyond annoyed now. Way beyond. So I summon up what little energy I have and force my eyes open while almost screaming "What?"

And then I see Adrian's face is two inches away from mine. And he's smiling. How perfect.

"There's my Rose," he says with a smirk on his face, "Always the rowdy one."

"How did you find me?" I say, accusing him of invading my privacy. And then it dawned on me. When I was flipping out in that dream, I may have told him to, uh, let me go, quote 'back to my room'. And here Adrian was; in my room, exactly where I said I would be.

"Well, you kind of told me before," he began, although I am one hundred percent sure he isn't going anywhere with it because he knows that I will give him a smack down if he mentions something about the dreams he creates for me. He knows I hate it when he speaks of them.

Adrian is practically lying on top of me and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "Um, would you mind, uh, getting off of me?"

"Oh, uh, sorry," he stutters. He seems genuinely embarrassed. He scrambles backwards and hits his head on the hotel room's desk. "Damn," he murmurs.

I can't help myself so I reach out to him and touch where his head made contact with the wood. He winces a little bit but then places his hand over mine. I stare into his eyes, which are, in fact, amazing. He gazes into my eyes, which I know for a fact, are not amazing. Well, to me they aren't. I'm feeling so comfortable just looking into his eyes that I _almost_ forget about everything. But not quite.

My eyes start to tear up again. Perfect.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Adrian asks. His voice is so sincere and caring; it's hard for me to believe that only moments ago I was mad at him.

I shake my head and crawl into his lap like a four-year-old. He wraps his long arms around me and cradles me.

"I'm really happy you're with me now, Adrian," I cannot believe that just came out of my mouth.

"Me, too." He kisses the top of my head. It almost seems…passionate.

He's about to do it again when I suddenly twist up my head and meet my lips with his. He's surprised at first, but then he loosens up and kisses me back with so much affection. I never knew we had this type of connection.

My nerves are on fire with all of the attraction I suddenly feel for Adrian. He's always been there for me, and I never really, truly acknowledged it. But as we keep kissing each other, I realize how much he actually means to me.

"Thank you," I breathe mid-kiss.

He breaks off and stares at me quizzically. "For what?"

"Everything," I say, "for being there for me and trusting me and never losing faith in me and my stupidity and for—"I can't finish because his mouth came crashing down on mine.

Adrian has a nice mouth. It's soft and sweet and it molds into mine. Kissing him feels…so right. I reach up and run my fingers through his styllishly messy hair. It's smooth and nice-feeling. He reaches behind my head and pulls out my rubber band that held my hair up in a sloppy pony tail. He in turn runs his long fingers through my long wavy hair.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers. His mouth is tracing my jaw line; back and forth, back and forth. It feels nice.

Adrian puts one of his hands on the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. He doesn't need to put much effort into it because I have plastered myself against him. His mouth moves past my jaw and to my ear lobe, then down to my neck.

I freeze because I have an idea of what he wants to do.

"Not yet," I say. My voice is extremely hoarse. I put my hand on the back of his neck and arch up as his mouth travels further down my neck.

My mind is so preoccupied but I somehow manage to tell my brain to tell my hands to snake up Adrian's flimsy t-shirt and explore his abs.

Oh. My. Gosh. Adrian has magnificent abs. Sigh.

No sooner have I put my hands under his shirt, he has it off. I begin kissing his chest; small butterfly kisses.

And then we're falling.

I'm pushing against Adrian so hard, I topple us over and under the desk; there is a LOT of gum under there…yuck.

We both start laughing and then he scoops me up from the floor and heads towards the bed while kissing me all over. He gently lays me down on the comfy matters and takes off his jeans so that he's only in his boxers. I give a happy sigh.

Then he lies on top of me and starts kissing me again. I shimmy out of my shirt and jeans and he is right there to help me along the way.

Soon enough I am lying on the bed with my body completely clothes-less and Adrian is on top of me, also not wearing clothing. We're kissing and I love it. I absolutely cannot get enough.

The next words out of my mouth almost make me go into cardiac arrest: "Adrian, I think I—I think I love you,"

He stops what he's doing and gazes into my eyes. "Really?"

I give a small nod.

"Rose, I love you, too. I have for a while. I—"I don't allow him to finish because my mouth is needy and I have to have more of him. I begin to kiss him again and then his mouth goes towards my neck for a second time.

"I'm ready," I barely whisper.

And he bites me. The endorphins are wonderful. I feel so good right now. Good doesn't even cover it but it's all my preoccupied mind can figure out to say.

He releases my neck and I bathe in the good feeling of his saliva.

It was then that I knew I am really, truly ready, to have all of Adrian. I know with all my heart and soul that I do, in fact, love him. I am ready.

So then we make love. It is the most wonderful, perfect evening of my life.

Well, one of them. But I didn't want to think about that.

Bright, happy sunlight is streaming in through the small part of the curtains that cover the gigantic window of my hotel room. The light makes me happy beyond belief because it seems happy as well. I remember the fabulous evening I had the night before and my insides start feeling all warm and mushy, but it's a very good feeling.

Happy is going to be my official word of the day.

I smile happily and stretch my long, skinny arms above my head. My muscles feel a bit sore, but that is probably because of my previous night's activities. I sigh delightfully as I recall them.

Then he rolls over and puts his thickly muscled arm around my body.

This makes me smile even wider and I place my hand on top of his arm and trace delicate patterns in it with my fingers because just touching him sends shivers of pleasure down my spine. He moans and I assume that it's because he's feeling the same.

I close my eyes and just bathe in this happiness. Then he lifts his torso off of the bed and kisses me; it's so tender and sweet and I can just feel the love he puts in to it. I kiss him back and try to put the same amount of passion through our lip-to-lip connection, but he just keeps sending more and I know that I can never match it. Nonetheless, I try my best. Because I love him.

I open my eyes and see his face. His beautiful, beautiful face. Dimitri gazes at me, too, and holds my face in his hand.

I scream at the top of my lungs and try as hard as I can to get away from him.

But Lissa doesn't.

I slip out as fast as I possibly can and I jolt upright in my bed screaming.

Then two hands come so rapidly and wrap around my shaking torso and cover my mouth. I jerk away so quickly I fall out of the bed, sheets twisted around my traumatized body.

But it was Adrian, trying to comfort me and shut me up, no doubt. His face is full of pain and worry and anxiety, but he just stares at me from across the bed, probably not knowing what to say because his mouth just hangs open.

"Rose, what's wrong?" he finally sputters out. I love him for trying to comfort me.

But he didn't see what I just did.

I race up and bolt into the bathroom where I had previously thrown some clothes in. I get dressed quick as a flash and run out of the room and right into Adrian. He catches my shoulders in his attempt at an iron grip, but I would be strong enough to shake loose.

"Rose, tell me what's going on?" he says with eyes full of worry. But I cannot utter a word, for fear of screams coming out.

So I just shake my head and push him off.

"Is it me?" Now there is such pain in his voice and it hurts me. But I just cannot bring myself to tell him because I know he wouldn't understand.

I just slightly shake my head again and back slowly towards the door.

"Rose, please, tell me what's wrong," he says and reaches out to me.

My heart is beating extremely fast and I want to tell him, really, I do, but I can't. So I just stare at him with wide saucer eyes trying to plead with him to back off.

It doesn't work and he reaches out for me again and this time grasps my shoulder.

I conjure up some energy to be angry at him, even though I know I'm not. It would hurt him so, so bad, but I just needed to get away. I _had_ to get away. Just looking at him reminded me of what I saw…

So I yell. I yell at him for absolutely no reason.

"Just leave me alone, Adrian! Just leave me alone, and don't fucking follow me, I don't want to see right now!" I push him away and open the door. Before he can put his arm between it and the frame, I slam it shut. I bolt down the corridor and I hear Adrian calling after me. I ignore him.

Then suddenly I'm in the main lobby of the hotel and I run through the front doors and out into the courtyard. That's when the tears start. They come and they come and they don't stop. The water carves canyons into my face but I don't try to stop them. The pain is overwhelming.

I stop running and walk briskly, not knowing my destination, only knowing that I have to get out of here. My hair bounces on my back and blows behind my ears from the breeze. I pull my hands out from under my arms and cover my face to try and maybe force out my emotions. I take a deep breath and push my hair back. Then I stop abruptly and look up into the sky.

A terrible aggravated yell escapes me. I even stomp my foot.

But neither of those actions is relieving of the things that I saw through Lissa's eyes.

Her and Dimitri. Together. Already. It was simply too much.

I had to leave. Now.

I begin to walk again.


End file.
